John Breunig (opinion): I went to Disney World (so you don’t have to) – The Advocate

August 21, 2022 by No Comments

We never get quite what we want for those things in life that cost the most money.

Like that college class you settled on because the most popular ones filled up.

Or that new car that wasn’t available in the color you wanted, so you took the keys for it in white like everyone else.

Or your house, which was your third, fourth … or 28th choice.

My theory is perhaps best illustrated at Walt Disney World, which trains kids for life’s letdowns and that there’s a lightning lane for 10-percenters. They lure you with rides and attractions that might as well be poison apples. After a 90-minute wait, the ride lasts less than a minute. That’s if you ever even get a chance to strap in.

This is the life lesson I’m reminded of every time I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth. Yeah, there’s a lot of joy here, but most people don’t get what they want.

This is a long way of saying I went to Orlando, Fla., last week so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

Actually, you were probably there too. After all, it may be a small world, but everyone seemed to be in the same place.

I should have expected it given that Disney essentially declared the pandemic to be over a few weeks ago by removing its final safety protocols. But hey, this is one ride that wasn’t going to be over in a minute even after a wait of 29 months. And it’s hardly reassuring when they implore you to pack close together. “Your party should be standing together on the number on the floor.” The number is approximately the size of a single PEZ.

A few other souvenirs:

COVID symptoms: Disney employees (sorry, “cast members”) famously keep smiling like they’re wearing a plastic Mickey Mouse head. Maybe it’s the grind of months of trying to get people to wear masks, but there’s been a noticeable pivot in attitude. Sure, many are still Winnie the Poohs, but there are now more than a few Donald Ducks in the ranks.

During a seasonal downpour, a kid playing arcade games asked a cast member if he could win a prize.

“The prize is that you’re at Disney World,” she replied with a refreshing dose of sarcasm.

Another young man clearly decided to stray from the script while welcoming the audience to a trio of short films. “Try to stay awake, and don’t let your kids run around because the floor moves and I don’t want them flying around like popcorn.”

I noticed he had been recast by the times the credits rolled.

Harrison Ford should open his own theme park: Between the “Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular” and endless “Star Wars” experiences, Ford has a bigger presence here than gift shops. I’d like to see a Harrison Ford Theme Park just to try out the “Fugitive” running game and a “Blade Runner” flying car. The …….



Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *